It was fifteen years ago when I found out that I had been adopted. That day began like many other summer days in the suburbs outside of St. Louis. The sun was shining. The heat was on, and the humidity was annoyingly uncomfortable. The hours past, and the light of dusk crept in on the otherwise quite neighborhood.
Outside on the deck, my Dad was grilling burgers while my Mom stood inside finishing up the meals accompaniments. We all three sat down at the patio dining table, and we began our nightly ritual. At the end of this meal, like most, we sat around and spoke for a bit on topics that I cannot recall. After the conversation died down, I decided to clean my place, and remove myself from the table. Come to find out, my parents’ weren’t finished speaking with me, yet.
They asked me to sit back down. They had “something to tell me.” My Dad began to speak, and it was very obvious that the words were painfully difficult for him to get out. My Mom jumped in and informed me “what my father was trying to say was…” I had been adopted.
The news didn’t seem to have that much of an impact on me at that moment. I may have asked a question, or two; the answers escape me now. Afterward, I gathered the rest of my place settings, and walked inside to watch some t.v.
The Emotions:
Now, for those of you who have never had an experience like this, you might think that showing no real emotion after hearing such news is abnormal. Well, I don’t know the stats on this, but I can tell you that my initial reaction was probably typical. Even though I didn’t jump up and down while screaming, that fact did not mean that I hadn’t been tremendously impacted by the news. Those moments were life changing, and they will never leave my memory. That day, in fact, was the day on which I realized why I had always felt so lost within my family (my wonderful family by the way).
For many years prior, I had always felt disconnected from my family. I never could understand what it was, or even what it meant. Questioning the validity of it all seemed appropriate. Was I just a really weird kid? Did that mean that I didn’t love my family? “No” was the answer to both questions, but I didn’t realize it until that summer evening.
Finally, I had an answer! That was the moment at which I understood my place more clearly. The feeling I had was based on my biological nature. More than likely, a chemical process had been taking place. My genetic make-up was unable to detect a chemical connection between my family members. Hormones? Pheromones? Whatever was taking place was real, and its existence proved to me that families are connected in ways that many never even consider. Now, I’m certainly not a scientist, and I have no hard data to back up this claim. However, that biological disconnect is what I believe triggered my nagging feeling, and I won’t be changing my mind until some one can prove otherwise.
Even though I felt that I had finally made some measurable progress in understanding my place within my family, I still was not able to wrap my head around what it truly meant to have been adopted.
The Advice:
For those of you who are adopters, I commend you for having the strength and the compassion to extend your family to those who find themselves without. For all of you, the thought of eventually telling your child that he/she has been adopted is probably very emotional. How do you tell someone that you love that he/she has no biological connection to you? How do you tell your child that you’re not his/her real family? Will your child resent you? Will your child even understand?
I’m sure these questions, and more like them, will continue to pour into your heads until that day comes. My advice is this, tell your children, all of them, no matter what! Create an open dialogue between your entire family.
The pain and confusion you feel now will never dissipate until you tell that story. No matter the reasons surrounding your child’s adoption, he/she deserves to know. You, as a parent, have the responsibility to protect your young, but denying them the knowledge of their true origins is not within your job description.
The outcome may not be very pleasant. You may very well create more pain and confusion; but pain can be treated, and confusion can be answered.
- Andrew
- Andrew
