Starting the conversation

The Story:

Shortly after my first email conversation with the Post Dispatch columnist, Tony Messenger, I started developing this blog. As with any online blogging endeavor, I began brainstorming article topics, and searching for the right blog layout. Upon finding what I wanted, I customized everything to my liking. Then, taking the article topics that I had stockpiled, I began writing out the posts. By the time I was ready to launch this blog, there were ten articles written and ready to go.

Once I launched, it was time to begin marketing the site. I informed friends and family, as well as advertising via social media. Tony even received a message about the blog’s debut. At that point, he decided it was time to schedule an interview for his column.

After the interview concluded, Tony sent an email in which he informed me that he had adopted his two eldest sons some years before. Apparently, he had intended to mention that during our phone interview. One of his sons in particular, Bradley, did end up meeting his biological father. Tony even pointed me to one of his past articles in which he divulges his experiences as an adoptive father, and the emotional issues involved in such an endeavor. He provided me with all of that information. Yet, I never even had to ask.

Here’s a link to his article.

The Emotions:

I commended Tony for his courage to adopt. He had made a very powerful decision; one that not everyone can make. The thing is, I never even had to ask him if he had any personal experience with adoption. He simply let the facts loose. That is a phenomenon which has been taking place quite frequently, of late, and it makes me feel proud each and every time it occurs.

The Advice:

Tony’s story is a great example of how the conversation about adoption can be started. Since I began the search for my biological family, numerous friends, even strangers, have felt obliged to tell me of their experiences with child adoption. They had never mentioned anything before, but they felt comfortable bringing their stories to me because I had started the “conversation” with them by being vocal about my own adoption.

Don’t be afraid to speak of your adoption, or of someone else’s. That’s my primary piece of advice this week. The more people you talk with the more comfortable others will become. In the U.S., talking about the institution of child adoption is still relatively taboo. Some parents don’t want to let on about their youthful indiscretions. While some adopted children seem to think that they are outsiders. Whatever the reason, keeping your story to yourself will only serve to distance you more from those with whom you desire to connect.

- Andrew

What's in the news?

The Story:

A few months ago, I decided to begin searching for more information regarding the circumstances surrounding my biological mother’s murder. The most logical starting points were the local news outlets in the city where the murder took place. My adoptive father had completed a search of his own, and that’s really what got me started.

Eventually, I ended up in the online archives of the Columbia Tribune. My search took the good part of that morning, but I came away with a wealth of information. In all, I managed to locate twenty articles. Although, not all of those articles were specifically about my mother’s murder (I’ll write about the other articles in future posts). The remaining articles were about my biological grandmother and grandfather, my biological sister, and one of my biological aunts.

Initially, I did not complete a full read through of every article. I began skimming the first few about my mother’s murder. Unfortunately, I became quite uncomfortable reading the details of the crime. So, I saved the articles for further reading at a later date.

While skimming those articles, I noticed that the same journalist had written the majority of them. My inquisitiveness led me to contact him shortly thereafter. I wrote in the subject line of the email, “Seeking answers about my biological family.” Below are excerpts from my initial email:

My name is Andrew… I just recently set out to find my biological origins, and I was able to track my family back to Columbia. You may recall my biological mother, my aunt, and my grandmother. I have been searching the Tribune archives for articles relating to their lives, and I noticed that many of them were written by you.

I must apologize since I really don't know what I am ultimately seeking by contacting you. I suppose that I figured you might have some more insight into their lives… I now know that I have a sister, Amy. She and I had the chance over this past Christmas to meet for a few hours down in Florida… I would very much appreciate it if you could humor me with some more info that I may not find in any of the related news articles.

It took only a few hours before I received the journalist’s reply.

Andrew,

Wow. What a surprise. Haven't thought about the Hobans in years. Such an interesting family that I happened upon…

I really didn't know Geri hardly at all, other than what I found out at her funeral. Most of my time was in talking to Monica, and Margaret, a bit…

Your grandmother was a spitfire. Just full of energy despite life's struggles, and full of so much rich, detail about her unusual life...

How long has your search for information been going on?

Thanks for reaching out to me. Be glad to help if I can.

We sent a few more emails back and forth. I mentioned to him that I would be blogging about the search for my biological family. He seemed interested, and asked if I would like to be interviewed for his column. My answer was ‘yes,’ of course. That was the gist of our initial conversation, and it would be a little more than a month before he and I spoke again.

The Emotions:

The appreciation and love I have for my adoptive father has no end. He’s always helped me in my struggles. Had he not reminded me to search for those news articles, I may never have known about the vast wealth of information that had been published.

When I began skimming the first few articles written about my mother’s murder, I didn’t ever think that I would have felt so uncomfortable. I mean, the articles were just made up of words, right? Well, I found those words to be very disturbing. Since then, I haven’t even looked at the articles. I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for. It’s not as if the story or its outcome are going to change.

As for the journalist at the St. Louis Post Dispatch, I was elated that he had written so many thoughtful articles about my biological family. I had no idea how to begin my initial email to him, though. I felt slightly uncomfortable contacting him, but I really had nothing to lose. The satisfaction I felt from his curiosity about my story was immense. It’s not every day that strangers take an interest in my family’s life.

The Advice:

When it comes to data searches, I have found the web to be the most valuable tool (second to my uncle I suppose). Although, not all adoptees are created equal with regards to the information available to them. How many families can say that there were almost two dozen news articles written about them? I think I may have gotten lucky.

Had it not been for these articles, I would not have access to a third party’s perspective on my biological family. The seedy details may have gone unrealized. Heck, the positive details may have gone unrealized. My recommendation is that every adoptee makes an effort to search the web for answers. The search may take awhile, or it may be quick like mine. Perhaps the search won’t turn up anything, but then again it might turn up more than ever imagined. There’s no right or wrong answer here, people. If you don’t make the effort, though, you’ll always wonder what could still be out there waiting to be found. Don’t allow any regrets.

- Andrew

Using Social Media To Find Family

The Story:

Since connecting with my sister and second cousin via social media, I’ve been able to unite with a few more biological family members. I’ve had great uncles, aunts, great aunts, and cousins all find me by using these services. The majority of these new connections are made up of my family members that currently live throughout the U.K. and Ireland. The remaining few are those that are living here in the U.S.

Initially, my sister Amy and cousin Jim spread the word, and that’s how it all began. Everyone who got a hold of me was very welcoming, and they all seemed quite enthused by the news of my existence. I have only begun to scratch the surface with regards to uniting with my biological family.

I’m not just connected to my biological family, though. My adoptive sisters and brother are all using social media, as well. I get to see my nephews and niece grow up even when I can’t be there in person. At some point, I’d like to be able to connect with every family member possible. That will help me to better connect my adoptive family to my biological family.

Since I can’t always call everyone just to explain all of those little mundane things going on in my life, connecting with them through social media allows me to easily provide all necessary updates. Plus, my biological family and I have missed out on twenty-eight years worth of life. So, social media provides us all with the ability to play catch-up.

The Emotions:

Currently, I’m connected to fourteen biological family members via social media. All have provided me with valuable insight into my familial origins. The opportunity to connect with so many of them in such a short period of time has been quite fulfilling. I can’t get over the fact that everyone has been so welcoming. It seems that we all have very happy-go-lucky personalities, and I’m confident that we will all get along swimmingly once we finally meet.

Social media has been a valuable tool by helping me connect with my large family. I feel indebted to the social media movement for providing me with such valuable resources. Being able to talk with my family in a real-time capacity has given me details about their lives that I wouldn’t have known without meeting them in person. I know that I’m blessed for having such opportunities.

Perhaps, one day, I’ll have a chance to go beyond social media and finally meet the remainder of my biological family. Preferably, I would be able to take along my adoptive family. The idea of bringing together both sides is quite exciting. I would love nothing more than to have a huge integrated family that spans multiple continents. One day, we might rule the entire world! 

The Advice:

Obviously, using social media to connect with my biological and adoptive families has been very useful. I would advise anyone who has already found their biological family, or those who are still searching, to use these sites to your advantage. Granted, I did not initially find my biological aunt via the web, but I imagine that a feat such as that could be accomplished with even a small amount of information. All it takes is one person who can then connect you to someone else, and so on. Social media sites are chalk full of their users’ personal information. Using your (legal) access to that information would be highly advantageous.

- Andrew

My Cousin Jim

The Story:

One week before Christmas, I received a new friend request via Facebook^®. The sender’s name was unfamiliar, but I noticed that this gentleman was a friend of my biological sister. So, I accepted his request, and shortly thereafter he posted a comment on my wall.

Andrew, I am Jim from New York, USA. We are second cousins and I am very happy to have you be part of this wonderful family. I have a lot to tell you.
Welcome, Jim

My response:

Well Jim, it's an absolute pleasure to know you. It's been an exciting past few months for me with finding out about my biological family. I feel very blessed.

A few minutes later, I received an e-mail informing me that I had a private message waiting to be read on Facebook^®. I opened up my account and noticed that the message was from Jim. Here’s what we had to say to one another:

Jim:

I do not know if you are comfortable calling me but my number is... Or if you want me to call you then you can send me your number. I look forward to meeting you.

Me:

Hi Jim! I would love to speak with you. I'm sure you are full of great family info. I will try to call you over the weekend if it works out.

Jim:

That is perfect. I am so glad you pursued this. You are so welcome into this wonderful family. I will talk with you soon.

My initial communications with Jim occurred right before I met Amy for the first time. Jim was one of family members that she and I discussed while having dinner. I didn’t have much to say since he and I hadn’t spoken in-depth, yet. From what I understood, Jim was a very stand-up kinda’ guy.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to call Jim over the particular weekend that I had specified above. So, I had to wait until I got back to St. Louis after spending Christmas in Tampa. Following my arrival back home, I received a new Facebook^® message from him:

Jim:

Andrew, I spoke with Amy yesterday and was mesmerized by her stories of your meeting. I want to tell you about the family and introduce you to the history. I am so happy that you pursued your background. There are so many stories and so many people and they are all part of you. In closing all I can say is welcome to the family and thank you for your courage.

Top of Form

The subsequent responses:

Me:

Hi Jim! I'm glad that you had a chance to speak with Amy. She's pretty amazing. I'll try giving you a call tomorrow evening if that will work for you?

Jim:

That works for me. I look forward to it.

The following day I called my new cousin, Jim. We spoke about how he had talked to Amy the night before while she was on her way home from our meeting.  They had not seen each other in quite some time. I learned that some of the family hadn’t kept in touch as often once my leg of the family moved to the Midwest.

Jim told me some things about his life growing up, and what he had done with his career after college. It’s interesting to note that he worked in the Architectural industries, like myself. He confirmed the stories about George Bernard Shaw, and how our family had its roots in Dublin, Ireland. It was great to hear him speak about my grandmother’s siblings, too. The best part, though, was how Jim and my biological mother, Geri, were so close growing up.

At one point, as Jim was explaining his side of the family, we ended up on the subject of his health. He was very sick, and I was stunned. He provided me with some of the details, and I asked a few questions. I’m keeping those details to myself. Eventually, we left that subject and moved onto a few more.

By the end of our call, we had only been speaking for about an hour. I had made certain to take notes. I didn’t want to forget anything. I tucked the sheet of notes in a newly made folder specifically for cataloging every new conversation with my biological family.

The Emotions:

I must say that it felt great when Jim reached out to me so willingly. I knew that some family members might want to reach out while others would not. It was very refreshing to know that I was getting off on the right foot. 

Learning of Jim’s illness was difficult to take. I hadn’t even met this man. Yet, I somehow had complete empathy. I didn’t feel sorry for him, though. He certainly didn’t need that. I felt sorry for myself. He made me realize that I have my head stuck so far up my own ass that I complain about the most mundane things. As human beings, it’s unfortunate that some of us, myself included, have such little appreciation for the things we do have until it’s too late.

Jim, I commend you for being so strong and insightful, and thank you for making me laugh every time we speak.

The Advice:

When it came to meeting new family members, I learned that I needed to take what I could get. Case in point, my biological father has been made aware that I have found my biological mother’s family, but I haven’t heard a single thing from him. Not that I’ve bothered contacting him, either. I can’t allow myself to dwell on those issues. I must focus on those that do want to know me, and I will give as much of myself to them as they want. That’s how the trade-off works.

My advice is that we need to realize that we can’t always have our cake, and eat it, too. We can’t expect to find our biological families, and then expect every member to give a shit about us. We’re just as much of a stranger to them as they are to us. If your uncle, or your cousin, or even your father doesn’t have any interest in knowing you then focus on those who do. Do not allow the bad seeds to ruin your new wonderful crop.

- Andrew