Meeting Amy

The Story:

After the Thanksgiving holiday, Amy and I had many more opportunities to speak over the phone. I ended up scanning in some photos of myself as a child, and sent them off to her. I wanted her to have a better understanding of how I grew up.

December eventually came, and then Christmas. Once again, I boarded a plane and flew back down to Tampa to spend the holiday with part of my adoptive family. Prior to my departure, Amy and I made plans to meet that week. Her son was going to fly back to Missouri to spend Christmas with Maggie. He was flying out of the Orlando airport, Amy and I decided that we would meet halfway between there and Tampa.

On the day of our first meeting, I received another call from Amy. Apparently, there had been some issues with her son’s flight out of Orlando. He was not able to leave on schedule. So, Amy and I had to reschedule our visit for the following day.

The following afternoon, Amy’s son made it on his flight. I decided that Applebee’s would be an appropriate place to meet since it would be recognizable, and that was also where I had met Maggie. After pulling up to the restaurant later that evening, I sat in the car for a minute gathering my thoughts. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked inside.

I stepped up to the hostess just as I noticed a girl walking over from the bar. She was talking on a cell phone. I had a strange feeling that I knew her. It was Amy, and she obviously recognized me, as well. We looked at one another dead in the eyes and smiled. Without hesitation, we hugged right there in the middle of the restaurant. That was the most subtly epic exchange I’ve ever had in my life.

Once we finally let go of each other, we found our way to a table. When the bartender came by, we each ordered a drink to help soothe our nerves. My entire body was shaking at that point. I simply could not control my adrenaline. We sat at the table and stared at each other.

If I recall correctly, we had a short chat about Amy’s son, and how their trip back to the airport had gone. After that, I decided to pull out the pile of childhood photos that I had brought along. Amy, in turn, pulled out a small photo album that she had put together. She handed it to me and explained that it was my Christmas present.

So, Amy began sifting through her pile of photos, and I began flipping through my album. We took turns explaining the people and events. I’d say that whole process took about an hour. It was difficult to concentrate with so much happening at once. I wanted to focus on Amy, but I also wanted to study the family photos.

The next part of our meeting was dedicated to telling the stories of our lives. I gave an exhaustive list of my family members, and my life with my adoptive and step-families. Amy explained some of the circumstances surrounding her birth and childhood. Her story gradually built up to our Mother’s death.

The murderer was the girlfriend of a male acquaintance. From what I understood, the girlfriend became paranoid about our mothers relationship with this man. Her suspicions were unfounded, but she ended up stabbing Geri to death anyway.

The story of our mother didn’t stop there. In life, Geri had been very kind, caring, and intelligent. However, she had some issues with depression, and the abuse of drugs and alcohol followed. Our mother’s lifestyle made life difficult for Amy. As a child, she had basically been forced into being her own mother, while acting as our mother’s caregiver.

That night, Amy provided me with many more pieces to the puzzle. All were important, but one of them stood out even more than the rest. It was the part about how our side of the family began. Apparently, our great-great grandfather was none other than the famous Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw. According to Amy, our great-great grandmother was one of Shaw’s employees. One thing led to another and our side of the family was born. Since the pair were never married (Shaw already had a wife), he is technically my great-great illegitimate grandfather.

Amy also touched on the subject of our grandparent’s. The conversation dealt with the circumstances surrounding their deaths. Michael died from congestive heart failure, and Amy had been the one who found him on the floor with a bottle of his nitroglycerin pills nearby. Monica ultimately died from colon cancer which had spread to her liver. Amy explained that she continued working even while she was dying.

We got on the subject of places we had worked and lived. At one point, I was living in an apartment complex on the West side of town. There was a sister property across the street from my residential building. It came to light that Amy had been working in the office of that sister property at the very same time I was living across the street. We could possibly have seen each other without even knowing.         

When all was said and done, we had spent nearly four hours at the restaurant. By that point, the bartender seemed aware that something out of the ordinary had been taking place. I mean, how often do two people just sit at an Applebee’s for that length of time? Amy needed to start her trek back home. So, we finished up and headed outside.

We must have spent ten or twenty more minutes out in the parking lot. We’d say goodbye, hug, walk away, and then turn right back around and start talking again. It was obvious that neither of us wanted to part ways. Eventually, though, we forced ourselves into our cars and left.

It only took me about forty minutes to get back to my parent’s house. While I drove, I called my sister Juli. I had promised her that I would give her the low down ASAP. Once I arrived back at my parent’s place, we sat down in the living room and chatted. I explained as much as I could remember, and then I gave them the photo album from Amy. I did my best to remember all of the people in the photos. I must say, for all of the excitement that took place at the restaurant, I was able to remember quite a bit in those moments.

The Emotions:

On the original date of my first meeting with Amy, I was slightly anxious. Not that anyone would have known. More often than not, I’m able to keep a pretty calm demeanor, but when Amy called me to say that she would not be able to meet that day I became very concerned.

I had no reason to doubt that there had been an issue with her son’s flight. The problem was my highly imaginative mind. My thoughts began to run rampant with every single what-if. What if she had decided that she didn’t need a brother, after all? What if she had just momentarily gotten spooked? What if I had just calmed the hell down, and looked at the situation logically? It took some time, but I was finally able to calm my over-thinking.

I felt much better about the whole situation when Amy called the next day to let me know that everything was still on schedule. Although, the drive out to meet her turned into a chaotic stew of irrational thoughts and logic. I suppose it was a good thing that I had already started losing my hair. I certainly wasn’t doing my hairline any favors by causing myself so much stress.

Once I saw Amy for the first time, my stress level hit the roof. My entire body was shaking. I was worried that when I went to pick up my drink that I would end up splashing it around uncontrollably. It took the first few hours of our meeting before my adrenaline finally slowed.

During that time, though, I was simply in awe of Amy. Of course, I still felt quite nervous, but somehow I also felt quite comfortable. I couldn’t believe how similar we were to each other. I guess that all goes back to having a biological connection. We had spent twenty-eight years apart, but it as if we had never missed a day.

As for how I felt after hearing all of her stories, I had a mix of emotions. Hearing about our mother made me feel lost and heartbroken. Learning more about our grandparents made me feel glum but stronger. The part about our family origins simply made me laugh. I mean, George Bernard Shaw, seriously?!  When it came to how close in proximity Amy and I had been in Columbia, I was in utter shock. It drove me nuts to think that she had been so close.

I suppose the mix of emotions had one thing in common; they all caused me to feel more confused. Even though I had found Amy, and the rest of my living biological family, there was still something missing: my biological mother. I feared that I would never feel completely whole. I was also worried that I wouldn’t be able to bring all sides of my family together, and that made me feel helpless.

The Advice:

All I can say is that feeling every possible emotion in a situation like this is pretty typical. I don’t think anything more could have been expected. You’ll be confused and exhausted, but it’ll be worth the stress. Learning about your family is powerful, and you ought to take full advantage.

- Andrew

A Thanksgiving call to remember

The Story:

Following my e-mail conversation with Amy, I flew down to Tampa for the upcoming holiday. My stepmother, Jean, and adoptive father, Art, had moved to Florida after their pseudo-retirement. That vacation was a much-needed break, and it provided me with an opportunity to sit down and talk to my parents about everything that had been happening. They were very interested in learning about Maggie and Amy, and it was obvious that I had their full support.

The day before Thanksgiving, Amy called me on my cell phone. I had been sitting out at the pool soaking in the sun when the call came through. I grabbed the phone, walked inside to the guest bedroom, and answered.

The connection was a bit off at first. There was a moment of awkwardness as Amy and I both tried to greet each other through the static. She spoke over me, and then I spoke over her. It was the most perfect beginning to our first phone conversation. Go figure, right?

At first, we both brought up the typical conversation starters. We spoke about the weather over on Amy’s side of the state, and she asked me how the weather was in Saint Louis. It had been crap, of course. We talked about her son, and how he had taken the news when he learned that he had gained a new uncle. We progressed to the subject of where my parents lived and their proximity to the city in which Amy lived. We even talked about when we could possibly meet. Unfortunately, that Thanksgiving week didn’t look like it would work.

Eventually, we got to the subject of Amy’s reaction to my existence. When Maggie had told her about me weeks earlier, she fell against a wall and collapsed to the floor. Obviously, she had not been prepared to learn that she had a brother. She was ecstatic, of course, but she felt angry toward the family for keeping it from her for so long. 

Following our phone conversation, Amy texted me with a picture of herself. I followed suit. I spent some time studying her image; trying to figure out which facial features we shared. My parents seemed to think that we looked very similar, and I agreed. If there had ever been any doubt, it had become quite obvious that Amy and I were truly brother and sister.

The Emotions:

Hearing Amy’s voice for the first time ever was intense. My hands shook while we spoke. My heart was pounding, and my adrenal glands were pumping overtime. Since then, I’ve had some difficulties remembering exactly how I felt after our conversation. Although, I do recall that hearing her voice and speaking with her seemed quite surreal. Twenty-eight years had passed, and I had never spoken to her once. Then, all of a sudden, that changed.

Taking the integration of our lives one step at a time was very beneficial. I felt more at ease with communicating by e-mail first, and then by phone. My nervousness over eventually meeting Amy was high, but I would have been even more anxious had we not had previous contact.

Lastly, I feel obligated to point out that I haven’t shed any tears up to this point. That’s just the way I’ve been programmed. My mind and emotions had been consumed by all of the new information and experiences that I never even thought of crying. I’m sure the time will come when weeping will be my only emotional outlet. Until then, though, I’ll just keep on movin’ on.

The Advice:

Prepare yourself all you want for a phone call. Although, chances are that your plan will fly out the window once you hear your family members voice for the first time. I don’t recall having had much of a chance to prepare for Amy’s call. If I had then I obviously didn’t attempt to gather my thoughts prior to the call. Everyone is different, and you’ll just have to feel out the situation as it happens. More than likely, the conversation will be awkward at first. Assuredly, everyone will be nervous, and that fact will probably be quite obvious when you speak. Oh, and the call need not be long. I recall that my conversation with Amy was around fifteen minutes. It was short, but very sweet.

My last piece of advice is this; cherish the moment at which you talk to your biological family for the first time. After you hang up the phone you ought to write down everything you can remember about the conversation. Account for every sensory experience, and every topic. I wish I had done that. It’s painful to think back on my moment knowing that it’s a struggle to remember.

- Andrew

I'm At A Slight Loss For Words

The Story:

Maggie’s first attempt at reaching Amy didn’t work. The following day, Amy called her back, but Maggie was working and was unable to stay on the line for long. Maggie told Amy that she would call her back that same evening.

Well, that night Maggie called Amy and told her the big news; she had a biological brother. Maggie forwarded my e-mail address to Amy in hopes that she could contact me the following day. Maggie provided me with a summary of Amy’s reaction to the news. She wrote, “She is very excited about you. She said she remembers her Mom mentioning you but she thought it was a crazy story she made up and never believed her. I am sure you will hear from her... I am soooo happy for you both.”

Sure enough, I received a message from my sister the very next day. I was sitting in Lambert International Airport when my phone notified me that I had a new message. This is an excerpt from Amy’s e-mail:

I’m at a slight loss for words.  I cannot wait to see you, if you want to.  No pressure here.  And lord only knows what pictures Margaret may have showed you... And if you can handle her, then the rest of it should be a cake walk.

When I got that call from her last night, I was utterly amazed.  I’ve never won the Powerball, but imagine that it doesn’t feel much different.  To know for a fact that you are out there, it’s HUGE.  I have a brother. You. Wow…So please, (again no pressure) it would be great to hear from you.

My response:

Well, "wow" is definitely right... All those years we were both growing up, and neither one of us really knew that the other one existed. Wow. I have a huge grin on my face as I write this sitting in the airport. I can't wait to meet you, as well. I'm actually on my way down to Tampa for thanksgiving. It looks to be a few hours drive from Tampa to where you live. So, if we aren't able to meet this week, with all of the holiday craziness, then we will figure out something else, for sure. Maggie did show me plenty of photos of you. Even a really big one of you in High school? But don't worry, you looked perfect in all of them. Maggie is amazing, and our meeting was so perfectly comfortable.

I'm so happy you were able to get a hold of me. I'm still grinning like an idiot. The folks around me at the terminal probably think I'm on drugs. We have sooooo much to catch up on, but I'm so happy that all of this is taking place while we both have plenty of time to get to know one another!

The Emotions:

It was thrilling to read Amy’s words. After 28 years I finally had contact. I was very thankful that she wanted to meet me, and it seemed that her desire was genuine. I analyzed every sentence she wrote trying to determine her true tone. I felt confident that she was very excited, but all I had to go on was her e-mail.

I was nervous to respond, though. I wanted to make sure that I answered her in a meaningful way. My tone needed to relay how excited and enthusiastic I felt. It was slightly stressful, but I managed to get through.

On top of that, I had no idea when we would be able to meet. All I wanted at that point was to see her in person. It was still very odd to me how it seemed to take very little time to get to that point. I felt odd sitting in the airport reading her e-mail because I had nobody to help me celebrate. None of those people around me had any idea that something truly amazing had happened.

The Advice:

Well, I’m not really sure on which portions of this post I can advise. If you’re communicating with a biological sibling for the first time, all that I can really suggest is to roll with the punches, again. I tried not to infer too much after reading Amy’s e-mail, but sometimes that can’t be prevented. Human beings are always trying to find the deeper meaning in everything, but occasionally there’s just isn’t any to be found.

- Andrew

After The Meeting

The Story:

Following my trip to meet Maggie, I received an e-mail from her that very same evening. She had very much enjoyed our visit, and she informed me that her daughter and son, Monica and Evan, were looking forward to meeting their new cousin.

Maggie’s message also stated that she had been touched by the fact that my grandfather had wanted to stay in contact. She wrote that Michael had a “big heart,” and she had a feeling that he “always held [me] close to his heart.” Apparently, had he and I met, “he would have given [me] a huge bear hug and maybe broken a rib or two.”

Lastly, Maggie wanted to let me know that she would be attempting to contact my sister Amy, as well. Amy was still in the dark about my existence at that point. I wasn’t certain how long it would take Maggie to get a hold of her.

The Emotions:

I was very pleased that Maggie had contacted me so quickly after our visit. Her actions gave me confidence in her desire to make me a part of the family. I had spent that evening telling some of my friends what had taken place during our visit. Everyone seemed to be intrigued, and I certainly felt the same way. The story seemed to be getting better and better.

I responded to Maggie’s initial e-mail as quickly as I could. I wanted to make sure that she understood how much I appreciated her willingness to meet me so quickly. The e-mail is below, and it sets the tone for how I felt.

Maggie,
 
First, I'd like to say that I'm happy you enjoyed meeting me. Second, I'd like to thank you for wanting to meet me. It's true, I had no expectations going in to our visit, but I think it's amazing how it was so comfortable and meaningful. It was a lot to take in, but it was also one of the most important days in my 28 years.

I'm excited to meet your son and daughter, as well as my sister. It blows my mind that I have a full-blooded sibling. I will make sure to try and get some more photos from my parent's home this week. I'll get them copied and sent off to you next week.
I think that our connection will continue to grow, and I'm looking forward to having more visits!

The Advice:

I was a bit surprised to have received a message from Maggie so quickly. I don’t suppose there are any rules that govern that sort of thing. So, if you feel compelled to make contact again, and you just can’t wait, then you ought to do just that. I don’t think anyone should feel as if they must wait a certain length of time. You’ll just need to make sure that you aren’t being too aggressive, but follow your instincts. You are, in fact, biologically connected to your “new” family.

- Andrew

Meeting Maggie (Part 3 of 3)

The Story:

The hostess found an empty table, and we were promptly seated. Nancy and Henry sat on one side, and I took a seat next to Maggie. Our server took our drink orders, and then headed off.

Maggie pulled out a photo album along with a pile of loose photographs. She opened the album, and began flipping through the pages. She started with the older black and white images that had been taken back in Ireland and England. She identified the family members in each. Mostly, those pictured were my biological grandmother, Monica, my grandfather, Michael, and their siblings.

Consequently, she began telling the story of how this part of the family came to the United States. Many years ago, one of Monica’s sisters moved to the U.S. She ended up getting married, and soon after she and her husband sponsored my grandparents to come and live in America. Prior to their departure, Monica gave birth to fraternal twins, Maggie and Ann.

After arriving in the U.S., they made their home in one of New York’s most infamous boroughs, Brooklyn. They rented a flat, and made a decent life for themselves. Shortly after, Monica and Michael became the proud parents of Geraldine and Michael Jr. My grandfather saved his wages while working as a mason. He eventually built a house in Danbury, CT, and moved the family. After some time there, they all moved out to the Midwest. Apparently, the rolling hills and abundant horses made Missouri very comparable to parts of Ireland.

Maggie explained that my biological grandparents were very tough, but caring individuals. She pulled out a photo of my grandfather. He was standing next to a horse. To prove how tough Michael was, she told me that he had beaten that horse into submission with only his fists. She never said whether or not the horse deserved the beating.

I eventually asked about the details surrounding Gerri’s death. Maggie didn’t have much to say. It was quite obvious that she was a bit uncomfortable getting into the story. She basically just said that Gerri had been murdered by an acquaintance. I wasn’t told much more than that.

Finally, Maggie pulled out the photos of Amy. I was so happy to see that she looked like a real girl, rather than looking like me with long hair. Amy was married and had a son, Tristin. She was one of the smarter people who had decided to move south for warmer weather.

 

I did ask about my biological father. Maggie explained that he was married and had other children. She gave me his name and mailing address. Henry and I told Maggie that it would be better for her to make the first contact.

We eventually finished our meals, and Henry paid for lunch. He gave the waitress a nice tip. She seemed to have understood that something was taking place at our table, and she did a great job of giving us space. We gathered our things and walked outside. We took a few photos, said our good-bye, and went our separate ways.

The Emotions:

Seeing all of the family photos had been very surreal. It was so odd to think that I had missed out on all of those events. Although, I was very proud to have learned that I came from such strong background. Just for the record, I have never punched a horse in the face, but if a horse were to ever look at me funny, well, he better just watch out.

I enjoyed seeing the photos of my grandparents. They looked so proud. Maggie was correct, my grandfather was definitely a tough looking man. It’s a shame that I didn’t receive that same trait. I might be lean, but I’m not very big. He had such a stern look on his face in all of the photos. That look reminded me of my facial expressions when I’m thinking or trying to concentrate.

My close connection to Ireland made me very proud. Hearing the story about how my family ended up in the U.S. was riveting. It seemed that the family had a very rich history. After learning the family name, Hoban, I kept saying it over and over in my head. My desire to take a trip to Ireland only grew stronger after meeting with Maggie.

When I asked Maggie about Gerri’s death, I wasn’t surprised that she didn’t go into much detail. I had no desire to upset her. I suppose her answer created even more questions, though. After learning of my adoption, I had taken into consideration that my biological mother may not have been alive. Obviously, that ended up being the case. I was a bit pissed off, though. That was just my luck. I had finally found my biological family, but I would never have the opportunity to meet my mother. Go figure.

As for seeing the photos of my sister, Amy, I’m sure that my face lit-up. She was so pretty, and it was so odd to know that we had come from the same parents. I’m not sure I can accurately explain how it felt to know that she existed. I already had two sisters. One was my adoptive sister, and the other was my step sister (I love them both dearly). But to know that I had a biological sister was such an amazing gift.

When Maggie told me what she knew about my biological father, I was a bit under whelmed. I mean, he and Gerri had never even gotten married, but now he was married and had even more children. So, that means I also have half brothers and sisters. My first impression was that this guy never gave much thought to the potential consequences of his actions. Truth be told, I was in no hurry to get a hold of him. I was very content with just getting to know my mother’s side of the family.

The Advice:

I can’t express how important it is to take everything in stride, especially when it comes to the adoptee finally meeting his/her biological family. Predicting the outcome of such a meeting is useless. You’ll just have to suck it up and roll with the punches.

When asking questions, make sure to consider how they’ll affect the person you’re asking. I needed to know how my mother had died, but I knew that it had to be a difficult subject for Maggie. Having empathy for all of those involved will make your experience so much more satisfying.

My last words of advice are this; try not to make a habit of punching animals in the face. My grandfather was very lucky that the horse he beat didn’t bring back all of his horse friends. Had that been the case, the story would most likely have had a very different ending. Horse gangs are quite prevalent in Missouri, and they can be a very nasty bunch, indeed. 

- Andrew

Meeting Maggie (Part 2 of 3)

The Story:

Following Nancy’s two shocking stories, we finally arrived in Warrenton, Missouri. Our primary destination was the nearly vacant outlet mall right next to the highway. We pulled into the vast parking lot around noon, parked, and began the waiting game.

Henry was getting quite hungry, and he’s a man of little patience. He quizzed Nancy as to the location of his cell phone. Once he managed to find it, he searched for Maggie’s number and hit ”send.” Maggie didn’t answer that first call. So, Henry tried a few more times, but to no avail. Eventually, Maggie finally responded. She was a little turned around, and didn’t seem quite sure how to navigate over to the outlet mall. Well, by this point, Henry was very hungry, and there was no time to waste. He barked the updated meeting location to Maggie, and he snapped his cell phone shut.

We drove back over the highway, and pulled up to Applebee’s. You know Applebee’s, right? It’s the Neighborhood Bar & Grill^TM. Anyway, Henry parked the mini-van, and we all looked around in search of Maggie. None of us had any clue as to what she looked like, but that didn’t stop us from trying. As I stepped out, I caught a glimpse of a woman walking towards the van.

She was walking up the sidewalk. I noticed her height, her hair color, her clothing, and her smile. She stopped in front of the mini-van. The first words out of my mouth were “you must be Maggie?” Indeed it was. We greeted one another in a very calm manner. There was no screaming “hallelujah,” or jumping up and down. Simply put, a weight had been lifted.

I had waited fifteen years for this moment. I suppose it was slightly anti-climactic, but that’s just how it happened. We walked into the restaurant and waited for a table. Maggie and I chatted while we waited to be seated. The next two hours would be very enlightening.

The Emotions:

I was still a bit upset about Nancy’s stories. Luckily, there ended up being plenty of time to push those feeling aside while waiting for Maggie to arrive. Overall, I felt pretty calm. Sure, I had no idea what would transpire when I finally met Maggie, but I couldn’t be concerned with the “what ifs.” I had finally gotten to a place where I was prepared to suck it up if the meeting went sour.

I recall staring aimlessly at the highway from inside the van. I kept asking myself “shouldn’t I be nervous?” Shouldn’t I have been freaking the f@#$ out? Luckily, there was no freaking out involved.

When Maggie and I finally met in front of the restaurant, there didn’t seem to be any awkwardness. I felt quite comfortable in her presence. However, I didn’t necessarily feel that “connection.” I suppose I did on some level, but the feeling certainly wasn’t intense. I’m not sure what I had truly expected.

The Advice:

In general, it’s easy for me to stay calm, even when I’m under stress. With that said, it’s also easy for me to advise adoptees to do their best not to get over-anxious while waiting to meet a biological family member for the first time. Although, the reality is that a person will react in their typical manner. Feel free to freak out, but you certainly won’t be helping yourself.

Remember, there are usually three groups involved in such meetings, the adoptee, adopters, and the biological family. Each side has its own set of unique concerns. It would be wise to always consider this fact when meeting a new biological family member. Empathy is the key.

- Andrew

Meeting Maggie (Part 1 of 3)

The Story:

The day had finally arrived. It was early Saturday morning. I slowly slid out of bed and prepared to meet my biological aunt. The next twelve hours would be some of the most interesting, so far.

Prior to the meeting, I met my adoptive aunt and uncle, Nancy and Henry, at their home. Henry had insisted on accompanying me on the trip. I had not seen either of them in years. We greeted each other at their front door, hugs and handshakes, and then scurried inside from the cold. We stood in the kitchen awhile, and chatted about some paintings of Nancy’s. She’s a real ball-of-fire, and a real talker. My uncle began to get annoyed that she was speaking so much. So, he quickly ushered us out into the garage, and we all jumped in their mini-van.

Warrenton, Missouri was our destination. The 45-minute trip was very eye opening. Nancy and Henry told me some family stories that I had never heard. The first story was about the death of my adoptive mother, Georgia. She passed away when I was two-and-a-half, or so. Other than what I had seen in my childhood photos, I never knew much about her.

Nancy explained that Georgia and I were the only ones at home the moment she died. We were living in Virginia; right outside of Washington D.C. Apparently, while Georgia was taking care of me that day she suddenly suffered a massive brain aneurysm. She tried to make it into the kitchen where there was an emergency call button. Unfortunately, she did not get there in time. The kitchen floor was where Chris, my adoptive brother, found her.

When emergency crews arrived at the scene, I was sitting next to Georgia on the floor. There was ice cream everywhere, and it looked as if the house had been ransacked. According to Nancy, Georgia had made a habit of feeding me a little bit of ice cream whenever I had a cough. Her hope was that it would help to sooth my symptoms. Thinking that I could help make Georgia feel better, I tried to feed her lifeless body some of that same ice cream. Sadly, my infantile attempt at resurrection did not work. The messy state of the house had been my doing. Initially, the police thought that a burglary had taken place. There were items strewn all over the house. The odd part was that every open cabinet and disturbed object was near the floor. The Police finally determined that I had gone through the house and ransacked everything.

Nancy’s next story had to do specifically with the events surrounding my adoption. Come to find out, she and Henry were the ones who had originally planned on adopting me into the family. At the time, though, Nancy was diagnosed with cancer. Her doctor told her that there was no way that she could care for an infant while going through months of chemotherapy. Around the same time, her sister Georgia and my adoptive father, Art, were expecting a brand new baby. One day, while Georgia was driving her car, another motorist struck her. Consequently, they lost the baby. Since Nancy and Henry couldn’t adopt me anymore, I became the newest addition to Georgia and Art’s side of the family.

The Emotions:

Well, where should I begin? I had been excited to meet Maggie. Of course, I was quite anxious, as well. She and I were related by blood, but the fact that we had never met had really worked my nerves. Would we immediately recognize one another? Was she going to look like me only with long hair? I really hoped that wasn’t going to be the case. I would certainly have made a hideous looking woman! Luckily, I had always been a laid back person. I tended to roll with the punches. So, even though I was excitedly anxious that morning, there was an air of tranquility.

The two stories that Nancy told me were astonishing. I had assumed that all of my emotions for that day would be tied up with meeting Maggie for the first time. Obviously, I had been incorrect. I was in shock after hearing Nancy’s recollections. For starters, it tore me apart to know what took place the day that Georgia passed. Picturing myself as a toddler sitting next to her on the floor was tragic. It was insane that I thought I could have brought her back to life with a tub of Breyers, as if the ice cream were a magical elixir. Nancy’s story forced me to contemplate my past, again. I realized that Georgia had become another family member that I would be doomed to never know.

The second story was just as shocking. If Nancy had not been diagnosed with cancer then I would have been her adopted child. I would have had a completely different last name, and I would have had completely different adoptive siblings!

I was just dumbfounded to hear that news. I was so confused at that point. As if my past and my family dynamic hadn’t been complicated enough; now there was an entirely new level of complexity. It’s impossible to accurately describe how it felt to know that, once again, I could have had an entirely different life. The thought of calling Nancy and Henry Mom and Dad was utterly bizarre.

The Advice:

As an adoptee, I’m certain that I will come to know many more stories like these during my search. If you’re on the same journey as I then you can expect the same thing. My advice is to take it all in with the understanding that those stories make up your story. Some of them may turn out to be funny, or strange. Hell, some of them might be downright tragic. My point is that, good or bad, the jumble of memories we all call our pasts will eventually make better sense.

- Andrew

The Fourth Call

The Story:

After my adoptive family learned that part of my biological family had been located, my uncle ended up calling me, again. He had more details about my biological mother’s side of the family. I learned that my biological sister’s name was Amy, and that she was living down South with her son. He also mentioned that I had a bit more family lining the East coast. As for those family members still living overseas, he didn’t have any more news.

Henry also informed me of my biological aunt’s desire to decide on a time and place to finally meet! The decision took a little time to make, but we were able to come to an agreement. Henry was adamant that he be present during the meeting. We chose a location that more or less fell in between Saint Louis and Columbia. This next step couldn’t have come soon enough!

I relayed the news from Henry to my adoptive parents and siblings. My adoptive sister made it clear that she was very concerned about my plans to meet my aunt Maggie. She was worried that I would be hurt, somehow. In an e-mail she wrote, “I am very nervous, wish I could go with you. I expect a phone call the minute you leave that luncheon and we will have to put you on speaker so you can share with us what is going on. I will probably need a drink (as will you).  I will be happy if you are happy. I just wish I could be there for you. You are just too cool for school, I wish I could be as calm as you.”

My adoptive sister, Juli, had a good reason to be concerned for my well-being. I was her baby brother. She had always tried to protect me from danger. It seemed as though all of my childhood photos had two things in common. The first was me, and the second was Juli standing right behind me making sure that I was safe.

The Emotions:

I was nervous to meet Maggie. All of the recent events had taken place so quickly that my head was spinning. I never thought it would have been so easy to find a biological family member. Weren’t those things supposed to take years before anyone got to meet? Not in my case!

It was terrific to get more news about my biological sister, Amy. I wanted so badly to know her age and what she looked like. Did we have any personality traits in common? How old was she? How old was her son? So many questions ran through my mind!

My anxiety increased over Juli’s reaction to the news. In my opinion, she didn’t have anything to worry about, but I knew that she was simply concerned for my well-being. I did my best to calm her nerves, but I think she just needed time.

The Advice:

For those adoptees who might end up meeting their biological families, expect the unexpected. Be prepared to go back and forth when deciding on a time and place. Make sure that you’re willing to compromise.

Be certain to voice your concerns about who you meet. Walking into a room filled with strangers may not be the best idea. Perhaps, limiting the family members to one or two would be better. You don’t have to meet everyone all at once. Give yourself time to ease into their lives.

- Andrew