Updating My Adoptive Family

The Story:

Picking up from Monday’s post, a new and unforeseen issue had arisen. After receiving news that my uncle had found part of my biological family, I realized that I had the task of informing my adoptive family. Now, don’t be fooled by what might be misconstrued as a very straightforward solution to this problem. In reality, it would have been very easy to misspeak, and deeply injure the relationship between my adoptive family and myself.

Thankfully, my adoptive family was quite enthusiastic when they heard the news. My mom and dad were the first to be told, of course. Both seemed to be quite relieved that there had been a positive outcome to my initial search. Next, I told my brother and sister. I felt it would be better to inform them via e-mail, as a group, so that there could be an open discussion. I laid out the whole story for them, and then sat back and waited for responses.

Only minutes later, my sister wrote back. The first word of her first sentence was “Wow.” Of course, she wanted to know more, but all of the information I had was already placed in the original e-mail. I told them all that they should disseminate my news to the rest of the family as they saw fit. What could possibly have been a very painful situation turned out to be very positive.

The Emotions:

Obviously, it was a bit nerve-wracking to tell the immediate members of my adoptive family about my uncle’s findings. Simply put, I did not want anyone to feel as if they were being replaced. Of course, it was a huge weight off my shoulders when everyone responded with such approval. I felt truly blessed that I had been given the opportunity to potentially bring together two wonderful families.

The Advice:

Here’s the thing folks, it would be completely ignorant of me to say that only positive things can come out of a situation like that. There’s a saying that goes something like “family is family.” However, that statement fails to recognize the complexities within familial relationships. My adoptive family could easily have been offended just like any other family.

For those who find themselves in a situation similar to mine, try not to jump the gun when it comes to telling your adoptive family about your search results. It takes careful examination of each family member, and how they tend to react in certain situations. You’ll need to determine the best method to inform them, and that will be complicated. There’s no need to lie, but it might make sense to hold back on providing every last bit of information all at once.

- Andrew

The Second and Third Calls

The Story:

The next phone call from my uncle came a week later. As the conversation began, Henry explained that he had received some good leads in the past seven days, and that he would continue to dig further. We chatted back and forth for a few minutes about this and that, but the subject matter of the call was pretty mundane. When the call eventually ended, I went back to work.

The end of that workday finally came, and I quickly headed home for some R&R. On my way inside the building, my cell phone began to ring. I answered the call. It was my uncle, again, and I thought to myself, 'what could have happened since this morning?' Henry explained that he had just spoken with my biological aunt!

Henry was able to provide me with some interesting tidbits regarding my aunt and some other immediate family members. I learned that this particular aunt was one of four siblings, and that she, with her husband and two children, lived in Missouri. Come to find out, they actually still lived in the city where I was born and attended college! I was already aware that I had been born in Columbia, but knowing that part of my biological family had been living there that entire time was a huge surprise.

Now, finding out that I had an aunt, and two first cousins, was huge news, but I was not prepared for the next thing my uncle shared. He explained quickly that my biological mother was no longer alive. He had no details on that subject, but he wanted to make sure that I was aware of that fact.

The other half of the story was, get this, that I had a biological sister! Again, my uncle really didn’t have any other information regarding that part of the story. Below are some of the other tidbits that my uncle shared with me:

-      My grandparents were originally from Ireland

-      My mother’s name was Geraldine

-      My father’s name was Randy

-      My biological father was married and had other children, my half-siblings

The Emotions:

Ultimately, I was dumbfounded. I really didn’t know what to think after I got off of the phone with my uncle. I remember resting my face in my palms. I was so overwhelmed that my body began to tremble. I simply had not been prepared for such news. Especially when it came within such a short period of time.

Though, I was invigorated by the fact that I had such close Irish roots. How cool is that?! I had wondered for a while if I had a connection with some place outside of the United States. It was very strange to learn that my feelings had been correct.

With regards to my biological mother, I was very disappointed that she was no longer living. I was very confused about her death, and it was very unfortunate that I didn’t have any details on the subject. There was a rush of questions and concerns that ran through my head when my uncle told me that part. How did she die? Was it health related? If so, was I afflicted with the same health issue? It’s a very strange feeling to think back on all of the times I had spent wondering about my biological family. I spent many a private moment contemplating who my parents would end up being. Did I have any siblings? Were they super stars?!

Even though I learned that my biological parents were not together, and that my mother was deceased, there was still a silver lining. I had a real biological sibling, and I was ecstatic! What did she look like? What was her name? Was I older or younger? Question after question came flooding into my head, and that only added to my confusion.

Even though the news that I had received from my uncle was pretty mixed, I took it all in stride. Although, learning of my biological sister’s existence brought up a whole new issue…how do I tell my adoptive siblings?! I was nervous to say anything, at first. I didn’t want them to think that they were going to be “second-best” compared to my biological sister. As far as family goes, they are my real family. How was I going to integrate everyone without stepping on any toes? I had never even considered this issue.

The Advice:

Take everything in stride. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this particular event it’s that you ought to not get too far ahead of yourself. Take your newfound knowledge and nurture it. Don’t allow yourself to get too sidetracked with all of the what-ifs. In time, you’ll eventually get the details that will help you develop a single cohesive story about your origins. Until then, though, just take each story as it comes, and try not to blow anything out of proportion.

- Andrew

The First Call

The Story:

Well, one Sunday a couple of weeks after I mailed my dad the adoption registry form, I received a call from my uncle Henry. To provide you with some background on my Uncle Henry, he is the husband of my adoptive mother’s sister. What’s more interesting is that he acted as the middleman during my private adoption (although, there was an attorney in Columbia, MO working on the case).

Since I didn’t recognize the number on the caller ID, I ignored the call altogether. My logic was that it was probably a stranger dialing the wrong number. I get those types of calls quite often. Shortly thereafter, a voice mail alert popped up on my phone. I listened to the message, and quickly realized who had previously tried to call. Since it was a bit too late to call back, I decided to return Henry’s call the following day.

Monday finally came, and that afternoon I headed out to my car during lunch. I dialed my uncle’s phone number. The ringer rang and rang, but someone finally answered. On the other end was the voice of my uncle. Even though he and my aunt were still living in Saint Louis, it had been a few years since the last time we had all spoken. Henry began the conversation by explaining that he had spoken to my dad a few days prior. He said that my father had informed him that I had begun the initial search for information on my biological family. According to my adoptive dad, this is basically what transpired during their phone conversation:

“Andrew had been discussing with me his desire to find medical history information. I knew, because that sort of information would be hard to find in public records, that Andrew's best source would come from members of his biological family. I had no contact information because the adoption process had been handled by third parties, and I had no contact with the family. I did, however, know that Andrew's adoptive uncle did have contact information, or at least had a way to get that information.”

“I explained to Andrew's uncle the objective of the search, and he immediately agreed to attempt to make contact to see whether the family would be willing to share information. Frankly, I held out little hope that, after so many years had passed, that Andrew's uncle would meet with success. Clearly, I underestimated his resourcefulness. A couple of weeks later, he called to report that the family would be willing to meet with Andrew and provide at least some background information. I passed this onto Andrew, and he took it from there.”

Henry explained to me that he, after hearing from my dad, had begun his own search on my behalf. He wasn’t able to provide me with any details, but at the time I don’t think he really had much information to present. The conversation came to an end shortly thereafter, and I decided to sit in the parking lot and contemplate what had just transpired.

The Emotions:

More than anything, I felt very confused after that initial phone call. It was kind of like a cloud had engulfed my thoughts. I couldn’t think clearly about the situation, and that forced me to put my emotions aside. I figured that it would make more sense to worry about what my uncle might find when he actually found something. I did, however, feel very lucky that my uncle was so enthusiastic about aiding in my search.

I also felt very relieved that I had my uncles’ help and support. Honestly, up till that point, I hadn’t even really considered what my plan-of-attack would be once the state received my adoption registry application. I suppose that I would have just waited around until I received word from a biological family member. Obviously, that plan was lacking, but I wasn’t a private investigator. All of those thoughts racing through my mind were simply exhausting. 

The Advice:

I had no well-thought plan when I decided to begin my search. I just figured that taking the first small step would eventually lead into the next. There doesn’t seem to be a perfect time to begin searching. All an adoptee really needs is a desire to understand his true origins. Adoptees ought to begin a search when they feel the most comfortable. I wasn’t getting any younger, and neither were my biological family members. I knew that waiting too long would probably come back to bite me in my ass.

The primary piece of advice to take away from this portion of my story is this - Take the first step however large or small it might seem. Being proactive is the key. Sure, an adoptee can sit around and wait for something to happen. But what if that never occurs? For adoptees, when/if you receive that initial phone call please don’t fret. It will be the first step towards your biological enlightenment!

- Andrew

Seeking My Medical History

The Story:
Skipping ahead in my story a few years, I finally decided to begin the search for my biological family’s medical history on October 5, 2009. I spent a few nights searching the web site of the Missouri Department of Social Services¹. I was able to download some forms from the State's Adoption Information Registry² that I could use to potentially secure that information. Come to find out, though, this process wouldn’t necessarily gain me access to medical histories. It would, however, make my contact information available to those biological family members who were interested in finding me, if any.

My reason for finally beginning my search for medical information was very simple. I was tired of having to explain to my doctors that I had no knowledge of my family’s medical background. I figured that males and females of all ages die everyday from undiagnosed hereditary health issues. The fact of the matter was that I needed to know what I was up against.

So, I printed the forms from the DSS’s web site, and filled them out with as much information as I could. The rest, however, would be left up to my adoptive parents. According to the Missouri DSS’s web site, adult adoptees that were adopted prior to August 13, 1986 must provide the written consent of their adoptive parent(s). After finalizing everything on my end, I packaged up the documents and mailed them to my Dad.

Sources:

¹Missouri Department of Social Services http://www.dss.mo.gov/cd/adopt/

²Adoption Information Registry http://www.dss.mo.gov/cd/adopt/adoir.htm

The Emotions:

I was a bit concerned with what I might be getting myself into by sending in the application to the Missouri DSS. All I wanted was a medical history, but the potential for gaining identifying information about my biological family was a little nerve-racking. At that point, I hadn’t really prepared myself for such a situation. It may seem to be of no consequence to some, but being able to provide a medical doctor with my medical background is pretty important in diagnosing potential health issues. I was very concerned that there may well have been a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode! 

The Advice:

Since the decision to begin a search for biological medical information is up to the adoptee, I don’t believe that I have too much advice here for the adopters. However, all adoptive guardians ought to encourage adoptees to begin this search, and I think that it is in the best interests of all adoptees to take this initial step themselves. The advantages, more than likely, will outweigh any disadvantages.

I’m pretty much the typical man when it comes to visiting a doctor. I balk at the idea! Fortunately, as I have grown older, my outlook on such things has changed for the better. There doesn’t seem to be a perfect time to begin this search, but there is the best time. That would be as soon as humanly possible. The sooner you know the better.

- Andrew

The Liz Factor

The Story:

Shortly after learning of my adoption, I had a bit of an epiphany. I recalled myself as a youngster in my third-grade classroom during a session of “show and tell.” My presentation, though, was not the enlightening part. The story focused on Elizabeth, a fellow classmate. I remembered that she wore large-framed glasses just like mine. Nerd alert, right?!

Elizabeth stood in front of our class and began telling the story of her adoption. I honestly don’t recall a thing from her story, but I do remember the students’ reactions. Not her reaction, though. The rest of the class, including myself, ridiculed her continuously after that day. We simply considered her to be different from us, and she had unknowingly opened up Pandora’s box. This poor little girl just wanted to share something near and dear to her life. What she received in return was shameful, but not at all surprising.

The Emotions:

That story made me cringe. It still has that affect. I understand that children don’t have the experience necessary to always realize the consequences of their actions. However, I can’t really forgive my actions. I could not believe that I had stood in front of her, and tortured her because I thought she was so different. It’s baffling how wrong I had been. Would I have reacted the same way if I had known about my own adoption? Would I have stood up to those others who found it necessary to ridicule her? I’ll never know, but I will always remember.

The Advice:

Regarding this story, my advice is for the adopted. Do what you must to better understand your situation. I usually have pretty tough skin, and I often times find myself ignoring big issues if there aren’t any real solutions. It may not be wise to set aside your concerns regarding your adoption. The more action you take now will better prepare you for the time when you decide to begin your search.

- Andrew

Summer Nights

The Story:

It was fifteen years ago when I found out that I had been adopted. That day began like many other summer days in the suburbs outside of St. Louis. The sun was shining. The heat was on, and the humidity was annoyingly uncomfortable. The hours past, and the light of dusk crept in on the otherwise quite neighborhood.

Outside on the deck, my Dad was grilling burgers while my Mom stood inside finishing up the meals accompaniments. We all three sat down at the patio dining table, and we began our nightly ritual. At the end of this meal, like most, we sat around and spoke for a bit on topics that I cannot recall. After the conversation died down, I decided to clean my place, and remove myself from the table. Come to find out, my parents’ weren’t finished speaking with me, yet.

They asked me to sit back down. They had “something to tell me.” My Dad began to speak, and it was very obvious that the words were painfully difficult for him to get out. My Mom jumped in and informed me “what my father was trying to say was…” I had been adopted.

The news didn’t seem to have that much of an impact on me at that moment. I may have asked a question, or two; the answers escape me now. Afterward, I gathered the rest of my place settings, and walked inside to watch some t.v.

The Emotions:

Now, for those of you who have never had an experience like this, you might think that showing no real emotion after hearing such news is abnormal. Well, I don’t know the stats on this, but I can tell you that my initial reaction was probably typical. Even though I didn’t jump up and down while screaming, that fact did not mean that I hadn’t been tremendously impacted by the news. Those moments were life changing, and they will never leave my memory. That day, in fact, was the day on which I realized why I had always felt so lost within my family (my wonderful family by the way).

For many years prior, I had always felt disconnected from my family. I never could understand what it was, or even what it meant. Questioning the validity of it all seemed appropriate. Was I just a really weird kid? Did that mean that I didn’t love my family? “No” was the answer to both questions, but I didn’t realize it until that summer evening.

Finally, I had an answer! That was the moment at which I understood my place more clearly. The feeling I had was based on my biological nature. More than likely, a chemical process had been taking place. My genetic make-up was unable to detect a chemical connection between my family members. Hormones? Pheromones? Whatever was taking place was real, and its existence proved to me that families are connected in ways that many never even consider. Now, I’m certainly not a scientist, and I have no hard data to back up this claim. However, that biological disconnect is what I believe triggered my nagging feeling, and I won’t be changing my mind until some one can prove otherwise.

Even though I felt that I had finally made some measurable progress in understanding my place within my family, I still was not able to wrap my head around what it truly meant to have been adopted.

The Advice:

For those of you who are adopters, I commend you for having the strength and the compassion to extend your family to those who find themselves without. For all of you, the thought of eventually telling your child that he/she has been adopted is probably very emotional. How do you tell someone that you love that he/she has no biological connection to you? How do you tell your child that you’re not his/her real family? Will your child resent you? Will your child even understand?

I’m sure these questions, and more like them, will continue to pour into your heads until that day comes. My advice is this, tell your children, all of them, no matter what! Create an open dialogue between your entire family. 

The pain and confusion you feel now will never dissipate until you tell that story. No matter the reasons surrounding your child’s adoption, he/she deserves to know. You, as a parent, have the responsibility to protect your young, but denying them the knowledge of their true origins is not within your job description.

The outcome may not be very pleasant. You may very well create more pain and confusion; but pain can be treated, and confusion can be answered.

- Andrew