The Story:
One week before Christmas, I received a new friend request via Facebook®. The sender’s name was unfamiliar, but I noticed that this gentleman was a friend of my biological sister. So, I accepted his request, and shortly thereafter he posted a comment on my wall.
Andrew, I am Jim from New York, USA. We are second cousins and I am very happy to have you be part of this wonderful family. I have a lot to tell you.
Welcome, Jim
Welcome, Jim
My response:
Well Jim, it's an absolute pleasure to know you. It's been an exciting past few months for me with finding out about my biological family. I feel very blessed.
A few minutes later, I received an e-mail informing me that I had a private message waiting to be read on Facebook®. I opened up my account and noticed that the message was from Jim. Here’s what we had to say to one another:
Jim:
I do not know if you are comfortable calling me but my number is... Or if you want me to call you then you can send me your number. I look forward to meeting you.
Me:
Hi Jim! I would love to speak with you. I'm sure you are full of great family info. I will try to call you over the weekend if it works out.
Jim:
That is perfect. I am so glad you pursued this. You are so welcome into this wonderful family. I will talk with you soon.
My initial communications with Jim occurred right before I met Amy for the first time. Jim was one of family members that she and I discussed while having dinner. I didn’t have much to say since he and I hadn’t spoken in-depth, yet. From what I understood, Jim was a very stand-up kinda’ guy.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to call Jim over the particular weekend that I had specified above. So, I had to wait until I got back to St. Louis after spending Christmas in Tampa. Following my arrival back home, I received a new Facebook® message from him:
Jim:
Andrew, I spoke with Amy yesterday and was mesmerized by her stories of your meeting. I want to tell you about the family and introduce you to the history. I am so happy that you pursued your background. There are so many stories and so many people and they are all part of you. In closing all I can say is welcome to the family and thank you for your courage.
The subsequent responses:
Me:
Hi Jim! I'm glad that you had a chance to speak with Amy. She's pretty amazing. I'll try giving you a call tomorrow evening if that will work for you?
Jim:
That works for me. I look forward to it.
The following day I called my new cousin, Jim. We spoke about how he had talked to Amy the night before while she was on her way home from our meeting. They had not seen each other in quite some time. I learned that some of the family hadn’t kept in touch as often once my leg of the family moved to the Midwest.
Jim told me some things about his life growing up, and what he had done with his career after college. It’s interesting to note that he worked in the Architectural industries, like myself. He confirmed the stories about George Bernard Shaw, and how our family had its roots in Dublin, Ireland. It was great to hear him speak about my grandmother’s siblings, too. The best part, though, was how Jim and my biological mother, Geri, were so close growing up.
At one point, as Jim was explaining his side of the family, we ended up on the subject of his health. He was very sick, and I was stunned. He provided me with some of the details, and I asked a few questions. I’m keeping those details to myself. Eventually, we left that subject and moved onto a few more.
By the end of our call, we had only been speaking for about an hour. I had made certain to take notes. I didn’t want to forget anything. I tucked the sheet of notes in a newly made folder specifically for cataloging every new conversation with my biological family.
The Emotions:
I must say that it felt great when Jim reached out to me so willingly. I knew that some family members might want to reach out while others would not. It was very refreshing to know that I was getting off on the right foot.
Learning of Jim’s illness was difficult to take. I hadn’t even met this man. Yet, I somehow had complete empathy. I didn’t feel sorry for him, though. He certainly didn’t need that. I felt sorry for myself. He made me realize that I have my head stuck so far up my own ass that I complain about the most mundane things. As human beings, it’s unfortunate that some of us, myself included, have such little appreciation for the things we do have until it’s too late.
Jim, I commend you for being so strong and insightful, and thank you for making me laugh every time we speak.
The Advice:
When it came to meeting new family members, I learned that I needed to take what I could get. Case in point, my biological father has been made aware that I have found my biological mother’s family, but I haven’t heard a single thing from him. Not that I’ve bothered contacting him, either. I can’t allow myself to dwell on those issues. I must focus on those that do want to know me, and I will give as much of myself to them as they want. That’s how the trade-off works.
My advice is that we need to realize that we can’t always have our cake, and eat it, too. We can’t expect to find our biological families, and then expect every member to give a shit about us. We’re just as much of a stranger to them as they are to us. If your uncle, or your cousin, or even your father doesn’t have any interest in knowing you then focus on those who do. Do not allow the bad seeds to ruin your new wonderful crop.
- Andrew
